November 22, 2005--Bitch Betta Have My Bar Mitzvah

One of my father’s best jokes was the one about the Safari Bar Mitzvah. It goes on forever but let me get to its essence—

It seems that the Jews of Great Neck, Long Island were competing with each other to see who could have the most elaborate Bar Mitzvah. So Schwartz had a Rodeo Bar Mitzvah which included horse rides and food served from a chuck wagon. To top him, Ginsberg had a French Revolution Bar Mitzvah where everything was very Louis XVI and Marie Antoinette, excluding the guillotine of course. What then could poor Cohen do?

He thought—I’ll have a Safari Bar Mitzvah. No one will ever be able to outdo that. Thus, he flew all 200 guests to Africa and they began to work their way along the trail into the heart of the jungle, with hundreds of porters carrying the luggage on their heads. After 12 hours of trekking and swatting mosquitoes, they came to a halt. Cohen was at the back of the line and wondered what had happened.

The word worked its way back along the trial, from person to person, from the front of the line to where he was.

“The reason we’re stopped,” he learned, “is that we have to wait our turn--there's another Bar Mitzvah ahead of us.”

Though Mr. Cohen didn’t manage to top Schwartz or Ginsberg, the Ridingers of Miami probably have superseded even those Great Neck religious rites. As the NY Times reported (see link below), at their 215-guest Bar Mitzvah the other day, the Ridingers had Ja Rule perform for the 13 year-olds and their families.

You of course know who he is—the rapper—but have you ever understood much less read any of his lyrics? Since I suspect not, I thought to share some excerpts from his hit, "Bitch Betta Have My Money."

I peep you at that strip joint
You and that little black chick
Acting like you so innocent . . .
Usually that bring the freak right out of a bitch
I knew something was wrong
Lesbian I go on
And nothing wrong with bump n’ grinding right
I like mines tight
You like yours licked
And we both have bitches to get high wit . . .
My hoe . . . got a hot little co-op
Prestigious
Rock a Cuban link with Jesus
Lord have mercy
Let me touch this
Tease it
For reasons
I can’t explain to you lord
Cause you know my actions are censored
Don’t diss chips to fuck with no broad

I couldn’t help but wonder if Mr. Rule performed after Zaidi Ridinger said the barucha over the challah or before they danced the hora or perhaps while they passed around the chopped liver and pigs-in-blankets.