December 19, 2005--Found At Last--WMDs!!

I know we’ve moved on and are now focused on democracy-building in Iraq. Enough already about Yellow Cakes from Niger; let’s move beyond whether or not Saddam met with al Qaeda leaders and thus is responsible for 9/11; forget about how it would all be a “slam dunk.” I get it, but I’m still obsessed about those Weapons of Mass Destruction that Saddam had and those missiles that would deliver biological agents to England in 15 minutes, or whatever. The real and original reason we built the Coalition of the Willing (including 113 soldiers from Mongolia) and launched Shock and Awe was to get those weapons out of his hands.

But now at last I have some good news to report—we have just recently found those illusive WMDs that those pansy UN inspectors couldn’t locate. If we had only thought to send in the archaeologists we could have skipped all this fussing, Congressman Murtha’s rantings, and that hollering on the Fox News Network. If we had only left it up to Clemens Reichel of the Oriental Institute at the University of Chicago. True, they need to get that “Oriental" out of the name of the Institute, but old Clemens found WMDs right there hidden away just above Iraq’s northern border. Of all things, buried in an archeological site from the fourth millennium BC. (See NY Times report linked below.)

I don’t want to mislead you—he didn’t find canisters of Anthrax or aluminum tubes from Pakistan or Korean missiles. He found 1,200 oval-shaped clay balls about three inches in diameter that were propelled with slings (David and Goliath style) and another 120 clay balls about twice that size. They haven’t as yet figured out how the Uruk people launched them.

Professor Reichel claims that these ancient WMDs are clear evidence that in this contested part of the planet the site at Tell Hamoukar is thus far the “most ancient . . . war zone” yet discovered. How fitting. And how telling that this place of battle is right where what we now refer to as “civilization” began, in a region that includes present-day Iraq and parts of Syria.

The sandy remains at Tell Harmoukar, as in Ozmandias, are something to behold, and contemplate—did the Tell fall because of disease, failures in the food supply, or from war with enemies to the south? Dr. Reichel says that though he cannot tell, “it stands to reason that it is the latter.”

And south from there? A mere 100 miles? Stay tuned.