August 30, 2007--The Queen of Mean

That would be Leona Helmsley, wife of billionaire real estate magnate Henry Helmsley. She was the self-anointed Queen of his string of luxury New York City hotels and appeared in hundreds of print ads, wearing a gown and tiara, while reputedly checking to see if the towels in the bathrooms were clean and properly folded. The tabloids added the “Of Mean” to her title when she was convicted of a series of crimes which included ripping off hotel furniture for her personal use and cheating the city out of sales taxes when she bought jewels for herself by using phony out-of-city addresses. During her trial a parade of employees testified not only about her felonious behavior but also about how abusively she treated them. Clearly she had “issues,” but still she did do hard time in the slammer. New Yorkers, yours truly included, couldn’t wait to get their hands on the NY Post every morning (in my case clandestinely since I didn’t want anyone to know it was my favorite guilty pleasure) to delight in the latest juicy detail—how she tortured gay hotel workers, maltreated members of her family, and how she reinvented the history of her hardscrabble upbringing to make it appear she was a grande dame. Now she has departed. She died last week and yesterday her will was made public. Once again the tabloids are aflame, not knowing whether to put Senator (“I’m not gay”) Craig or Leona on the front page. Leona was the obvious choice because her will is one of the great ones of all times. Jumping out is her $12 million bequest to her 8-year-old Maltese dog, the well-named Trouble. The fact that he or she received more from the billionairess than any of her grandchildren (two got zero for “reasons which are known to them”) is just the beginning of the good stuff. Speaking from the grave, Leona also required that—she be buried wearing her wedding ring and that it never be removed (tell that to the grave robber who was convicted yesterday on Long island for robbing the dead of their jewelry and gold teeth); that her tomb be “acid-washed or steam cleaned” once a year; that the grandchildren who did get money (albeit $2.0 less than Trouble) must visit their father’s grave in order to receive it; and that to make sure that they really do show up, that there be a registration book placed in the mausoleum so they can sign in. The will did not stipulate who would be checking the book or the authenticity of the signatures, though it is assumed that she herself will take on that responsibility. All this from the NY Times (linked below) which prides itself on not trafficking in celebrity gossip. But here they are again doing just that; but once more pretending to turn it into something "significant" by putting it in historical context. In addition to quoting from the Queen’s will, they tell us that Napoleon also attempted to control things after he died; that, in fact, this need to exert oneself after death is not that uncommon. They even quote a Harvard professor who has made a study of such things: “These are efforts by people to avoid profligate, wasteful, slothful existences among their children.” This sounds as if he has been reading up on the Seven Deadly Sins when all we really want is the dish.