March 21, 2008--Starbucks: Not My Cup of Tea

I admit it--I'm a coffee snob and as such do not feel that what Starbucks calls coffee in any way resembles the real thing.

They've been hurting recently. Some say it's the faltering economy. Folks are less willing than in the past to pay $3.40 for a 12 ounce Mocca when they can do better at the local McDonald’s or Dunkin’ Donuts, believe it or not, more and more Starbucks’ downscale competition. Others, including the new CEO, Howard Schultz, claim that when Starbucks over-globalized it no longer provided customer with an "authentic coffeehouse experience." (See NY Times article linked below.)

So for however millions a year he's being paid to turn the place around, he the other day announced enthusiastically that by 2010 each of the 15,000 Starbucks stores will install new and improved automated espresso-making machines. Machines that not only will make coffee one cup at a time (is there another way to make espresso?) but will have a low profile so that customers can see over them and thus have an unimpeded view of the baristas who make their Frappuccinos; at Thanksgiving time their Pumpkin Spice Lattes; and for the observant, Kosher Coffee Veronas (that is, according to the Orthodox Union, only if the coffee cup is covered).

A few things--first, what are “baristas”? In a world flooded with euphemisms designed to deflect the unpleasant and trick people into feeling good about themselves morticians and undertakers become funeral directors, toilets bathrooms, and coffee makers, I get it, become baristas. These are, according to Wikipedia, “Those who have acquired some level of expertise in the preparation of espresso-based coffee drinks”.

“Espresso-based coffee drinks”? This then helps me understand something else CEO Schultz mentioned—beginning in mid-April, users of the “customer card” will be able to customize their drinks, at no extra cost, with vanilla or soy milk. I have no idea what these customer cards are, but I do know that in the authentic-type coffeehouse Schultz wants to simulate, like say those in Vienna, no one, while puffing on a Gauloises or reading Der Standard, will be doing any such customizing.

I though am happy to learn that something else Starbucks is doing to reattract their declining latte customers sounds like progress, assuming there should be any notion of progress when it comes to coffee. Starting soon baristas will be making regular coffee in smaller batches. Now coffee will be allowed to sit in plastic urns for only 30 minutes rather than as at present for two hours!

If they could only stop serving espresso in paper cups (yes I know they recycle them), they might even get me to consider popping in when I’m desperate and there’s nothing more Viennese around.

And one more thing--to assure that authentic coffeehouse aroma, Starbucks will begin to phase out their heated-up breakfast sandwiches, whose own aroma so overwhelms the coffee’s that, aromatically-speaking, Starbucks was, there’s no other way to put it, starting to smell like a McDonald’s where the first thing you notice when you stumble into one at 7:00 am is the wafting fragrance of Egg McMuffins.