May 11, 2012--Flexible Funding

About twice a year I hear from my bank, Citibank.

Usually it's to let me know that they are raising their fees for overdrafts or require a higher minimum balance for my checking account. But every once in awhile there is something in the mail that they say is to inform me about an improvement in service or a special offer because I am a "valued customer."

As an example of the former, last year they wrote to tell me they were improving service for clients who have safe deposit boxes.

"To serve you better," the letter began, "access to your safe deposit box will be from 10:00 to 2:00 on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays."

This sounded good to me--I always appreciate improvements in service--until Rona pointed out that at present access to safe deposit boxes was during all banking hours--from 8:00 to 4:00. "How is this serving you better? They're cutting their costs by cutting hours and have the chutzpah to claim it's to serve you better. If I were you, in protest I'd switch to my bank, HSBC."

"You mean the one that's about to get out of the retail banking business? Then what will we do?"

Then there are the special offers available only to Citibank's "valued customers. People like me, I suppose, since I recently received one.

The letter began--"Dear Steven Zwerling" and I was duly impressed. Here is one of the world's largest banks and they know my name.

It continued:

"Recently, we've been speaking directly to valued customers like you, to learn what you want most from your banking relationship."

Also good--Citibank is "speaking directly" to us to actually listen to customers in order to find out what we value so they can improve our "relationship." In a heartless world how comforting it is to know such relationship are so valued.

"Read on," the always skeptical Rona said.

And so I did:

"That's why we are proud to announce our Custom Credit Line, designed for customers like you. Custom Credit makes it easy to borrow, and makes your banking relationship more rewarding."

I looked up at her with a self-satisfied smile. "You're always so cynical. Can't you see they value me and our relationship and want to make things more rewarding for me?"

"This I have to see," Rona said, "Keep reading."

So I did:

"Get the funds you need, when and how you need them," the letter continued in bold type. "With credit lines from $1,500-$50,000. Your Custom Credit Line is a highly flexible, easy-to-access account. It lets you spend the way you want on the purchases that matter most--whether it's a much-needed home repair or that one-of-a-kind gift for someone special."

"That could be you," I said, again smiling.

"Keep going," Rona said, "you haven't gotten to the fine print yet."

"Which would be . . . ?"

"You're so gullible. How much they'll be charging valued customers like you to make your relationship with Citibank even more rewarding."

"Let me see. Oh, here it is," I muttered.

"Speak up, I can't hear you. What the APR rate?"

"Twenny-poin-four-nin," I mumbled.

"How much? You're mumbling.

"Here. See for yourself." I handed the letter to Rona and started to go downstairs.

Before I could, feeling good about herself, she read, "20.49 percent. Now that sounds rewarding to me. And I can see that anyone who would agree to this would be a very valued customer indeed."

"And an idiot," I added sheepishly.