August 26, 2014--Midcoast: Maiden Voyage

"Since when did boats become she's?"

It was a glorious Sunday afternoon and a friend had invited us to an open house to see his new boat.

"Open house?" I said to Rona as we were driving over to the marina, "Wouldn't it be more appropriate to call it an open boat? Or something more maritime?"

"Can't we just have fun today? I mean . . ."

"Just thinking, that's all. No problem. I'm not being grumpy"--I could see Rona rolling her eyes--"In fact, I'm feeling great and can't wait to see the boat and to hang out with Jack and his friends."

Above the sound of the engine I could hear her mutter, "That'll be the day."

Still thinking about the gender issues, I persisted, "I mean, referring to boats as female . . ."

"Men own boats," Rona said, sounding exasperated, "The same way as in the old days when they thought of themselves as possessing their women. And I guess there's something erotic about the whole boat thing. I don't want to get too graphic but men run boats, they ride them or ride in them. So . . ."

"So that's why they think about them as female?"

"Maybe more like mistresses. They sneak away on them, run around with them, tend to them, take pleasure from them . . ."

"It is true that it's rare to see women with boats of their own or even being the ones driving them, if that's the right way to think about taking them out for a cruise."

"I think it's called running them," Rona said.

"And many of the boat names, if they're not named for wives or sweethearts--which is the usual thing--have double entendre meanings. Like one's we saw the last time we were out on the water. Remember A Little Nauti? And Scrumpy Vixen?"

"And also, Shaggwell and Lucky Sperm.

"Those are more single than double entendres. Nothing subtle about them." Rona laughed at that. She was getting into it.

"Even Columbus had the Nina and Pinta."

"Wasn't it the tradition then to name boats after saints? Like the Santa Maria."

"And, to help make your case, I once read," Rona said, "that the Pinta was not the actual name but one some of Columbus' rebellious crew named, which means 'painted one,' or 'prostitute.'"

"So there you go. That was all the way back in 1490."

"If women were boat owners what kinds of names do you think they'd come up with?"

"Good point," I said. "Let's see if we can make up a few."

"Do you think they'd refer to their boats as he's?"

"Probably, and name them things like Hot to Trot."

"Or Macho Man."

"It'll never happen," I said. "Women have come a long way, to quote that old Virginia Slims' commercial, but women owning boats, which I can easily envision, is very different than naming them that way. Women feel too smart to me to call a boat Big Guy."

"Aren't we being silly." Rona said as we neared the boatyard.

"Not entirely," I said, "I think it's an interesting set of issues."

"Remember, when we get to the boat, behave yourself. We don't know all the people who'll be there and this is supposed to be a low-stress good time."

I promised not to raise the subject or say anything else that might be considered controversial.

After a couple of beers and delicious homemade lobster rolls, while a good time was being had by all, I asked our friend Jack what he planned to name the boat. Rona shot me a look.

"I don't know," he said, "Someone told me it's bad luck to change the name. This one's not a new boat and the previous owner named it for his wife, the Elizabeth II, which is sort of fun since that's the name of the queen and all that. But, I don't know."

"How fuel efficient is it?" Rona asked in an attempt to change the subject. She's never been all that interested in miles-to-the-gallon sort of things.

"It's supposed to use about two gallons per hour when cruising at 18 knots or so."

"That sounds pretty efficient to me," Rona said, not really knowing what she was talking about. She was, though, doing a pretty good job of changing the subject.

"About the bad luck business," I said, "We have a friend here who was in the Coast Guard and I remember him saying after he also bought a new used boat that it you want to change the name and also want to avoid bad luck you write the old one on a piece of paper, set it on fire, and float it out onto the water. Then you can name it anything you want."

"Can I have another beer?" Rona asked.

Jack reached into the cooler and passed one to her. "I'm not that superstitious, but still I like that idea."

"So you have a new name in mind?"

"Yeah, I plan to name her after my mother, just like my last boat."

"A lovely idea," Rona said. "Sorry, but we need to go. We have a few things we have to do this afternoon."

"We can do them tomorrow," I said, to myself sounding wimpy.

"We have to go," Rona insisted.

"She's right. We need to go. But thanks so much for inviting us. It's a great boat," it really is, "And I wish you nothing but happy sailing or cruising."

"But we haven't christened her yet," Jack said. "Please stay for that."

"Christened?" I blurted out, now thinking about boats through a religious lens. With a wink I said, "That's not of my faith."

Our friend who has a Jewish grandmother got it and said, "What should we do? Bar Mitzvah the boat?"

"That's a thought," I said.

And with that, since he doesn't drink, Jack broke a bottle of Matinelli's sparking cider over her bow.

It was all great fun, and with that we really did need to go.

While hugging goodbye he asked, "Are you guys free Thursday afternoon? To join me for her first cruise? You now, her maiden voyage."

Rona jabbed me, hoping I wouldn't say anything about that.