November 17, 2017--Betty's Concerned About Me

"You're not yourself," Betty said, calling from Maine.

"Not even a hello?" I said.

"You know I'm busy, working three jobs and all. I don't always have time for niceties."

"I know that, love. It's just so unusual to hear from you after we relocate to New York. Also, you caught me off guard and I was moved by your concern. I'm not good at handling people being concerned about me, as much as I appreciate it. But," I added, "I'm OK. I mean, I think I'm OK . . ."

"Well I do read the things you write. And the one the other day about you're not feeling happy in New York upset me. To think of the two of you not being happy."

"I appreciate your concern. I really do. I was just having a down day."

"Sounded like more than that. In fact, I've been sensing you've not been yourself for some time. From even before the storm and the trees down and power outages and that crazy guy who slammed his car into yours."

"True, all of that was upsetting. Especially the car business. He came close to really injuring Rona. I think that . . . I mean . . . feeling exposed and vulnerable just at the end of our time here--I mean there, in Maine--set me back. But the bottom line, as time goes by, I'm less able to handle change, including coming back to New York or, in the spring also, returning to Maine. As much as I love it there." 

I took a deep breath. "Then of course there's what's going on in the rest of the world."

"I've been sensing all of that," Betty said. I could hear her taking a deep draw on her cigarette. She was on her break.

"You know it's funny to hear you say that. What's going on in the world is profoundly upsetting. You know me, how I try to be optimistic. I'm always looking for ways to come up with the best explanations for even the most dire situations. And how I try to find ways to fix things. But then Rona the other morning, we were having breakfast in Cafe Rona, asked if I believed we were coming to the end. 'Not the Big End you sometimes write about,' she said, 'I'm not becoming one of those Rapture people waiting around for End Times. I mean,' she said, 'the end of the system. The end of our democracy. Is our system strong enough to resist the direction in which it feels like we are heading?'

"That really shook me up," I said, "Rona's not inclined to think that way. She's also a problem solver. She too thinks we can figure out whatever we need to figure out."

"To tell you the truth it's feelings of these kind that are coming through on most of the things you've been writing recently. Not the funky pieces like those audiology tales, but the political stuff."

"Could be true," I said.

"And it's not primarily the content part--the pieces on Trump and the Russians and the Virginia and Alabama elections are right on. That's the point-of-view part. The concern I have is with the writing itself."

"The writing?"

"Yeah. It feels less confident, less energetic, more squeezed out with effort than inspired." She paused to see what I might say.

"Well, first of all, I appreciate your feeling that some of my stuff is--or has been 'inspired.' Your word. And to tell you the truth I have at times been feeling weary and maybe that what's coming across. Things are not flowing the same way. I've attributed it to aging. Of course. My favorite place to go when I feel anything changing."

"How many of these things have you written?"

"About 3,200."

"And how long have you been doing this?"

"More than 12 years."

"And how old are you?" Before I could say or lie, she said, "Scratch that. I don't think it's that. Aging. Maybe just a part of it is. I think it may be more that you're feeling overwhelmed. Overloaded." She paused, "Like the rest of us. That's what he's doing to us."

"He?"

"Who else--Trump. It feels like he's trying to be the last man standing. The last person. He pummels us daily. There's always something waiting that we have to deal with. He's great as setting the daily agenda. Usually with ridiculous things like his latest name for Kim Jong-un. He called him 'short and fat' the other day. So we have to engage with that. We have to take it seriously because he's the president and has the ability to get us into a big war with North Korea." 

I said, "I'm exhausted just thinking about the past week. We even had to deal with his crazy thing Wednesday with the water bottle. Like he was channeling Marco Rubio who had his own water issues. It's as if Trump has a huge reference library of things from the past that he can dip into and get us all agitated about one more time while he sits back and husbands his energy. He's trying to win by wearing us down to helplessness. He's more than 70 years old, doesn't sleep, is grossly overweight, and eats crap. Yet there he is every day full of piss and vinegar while the rest of us are feeling exhausted."

"I can see that in the things you've been writing," Betty said, "Again, less in the content, more in the lack of flow and energy in some of your pieces."

"I pride myself," I said, "in being persistent. I've said through the years that much of what I've been able to accomplish is the result of  refusing to give up, pressing on when others may flag. To outlast people. So here we are faced with things of much greater consequence trying to deal with the master of distraction, agenda setting, and persistence who's full of narcissistic energy."

"This could be what's happening," Betty said. "I feel it in your writing and maybe it's also responsible for the malaise that feels so widespread."

"Let's assume this is true," I said, "That would make things more dangerous. At a time when maybe our democracy is at risk those who dread and oppose what's unfolding are beginning to run out of gas. I put it this way--those who oppose this--because there are some who are happy about what's going on. Too many. They don't value democracy. They want a strongman to take care of them. In trade, they're willing to surrender their freedom. But those of us who do value freedom better get rested up and recharged because there are these threats and there's a long way to go until the next election--a year--and who knows what we'll have to deal with between now and then. Even tomorrow."

"I have to go in a minute," Betty said, "But I have one more thing to mention--we'd better hope that that Roy Moore is defeated in Alabama. To put him down and that Bannon who is behind him, to reject them is really important. There's about a month to go before the election and related to that I liked that piece of yours about how liberals have to get off our butts and work hard to take back our country. Minimally, everyone should send $50, a $100 to his opponent's campaign. Doug Jones's. And we have to commit ourselves to never giving up, no matter how tired or frustrated we feel because that's what Trump and Bannon and their others are counting on--exhausted, we'll simply surrender."

"That's never going to happen," I said.

"That's the optimist in you," Betty said with a smoky laugh.