December 23, 2005--Fanatacisms XIV--72 Virgins And Barbara Walters Too

I don’t know about you, but one of my guilty pleasures is to try to tune in when Barbara Walters has one of her Specials. I am so glad that she has moved on from interviewing world leaders. Look what happened to poor Anwar Sadat right after he appeared with her.

So when I learned from the NY Times (see link below) that her Christmas Special this year would be about heaven, yes that heaven, I cancelled my reservation for dinner at Jean George, accepting the fact that I’d have to wait another six months before I would be able to secure another one, so I could see her with Imam Faisal Rauf, the Reverend Calvin Butts, the Dalai Lama (with Richard Gere), Maria Shriver, Ted Haggard of the National Association of Evangelicals, and joining Barbara, to represent the Jews, Jackie Mason (who I should in fairness note is a lapsed rabbi).

This is obviously the year that not only liberal Democrats have found their way to God but also Ms. Walters. And since as you know this is one of my favorite subjects, God, I disconnected my phone and email, turned off all the lights so no one would know I was at home, and prayed (forgive that) the cable wouldn’t crash as it had the week before. I don’t have Tivo.

Everyone of course has a very different version of heaven and how you get there. Some she interviewed are having so much fun while alive that they can barely imagine that heaven will be an improvement. Jackie Mason said, “There’s nothing more I really want,” though if there is a hereafter he hopes he’ll be able to get some lean Pastrami. But I suppose by certain religion’s definitions anyone this happy in the here and now shouldn’t be too worried about what they’ll find in heaven since they are likely on a track to the other place.

Most chilling is the who and the how of this—what do you have to do during your lifetime to be a strong candidate for the afterlife, and what religion do you need to belong to in order to even have a chance?

In regard to the latter, it seems that unless you make the correct choice right now you have no chance whatsoever of getting up there. For example, when Barbara asked Ted Haggard if you do not accept Jesus Christ as your savior does that mean you go right to hell, the good Rev had a pretty definitive one-word answer, “Yes.”

It gets a little more interesting when things become eschatological—the various ways in which heaven is imagined. Elizabeth Taylor chimes in to speak from her many near-death experiences. Why she claims that what she saw while in that state is a vision of heaven feels a little presumptuous, don't you think? In any case it’s all quite pleasant, sort of how heaven is depicted in Hollywood—suffused with light, puffy clouds, harps, staircases. Very nice. Though I wonder what they’re serving and if you need reservations.

Of course, from all the disturbing headlines, where Islamic terrorists blow themselves and others up in a form of suicide martyrdom, we are especially eager to learn what will await them in Muslim Heaven. By now we have heard about the famous 72 virgins who await jihadists. But we also learn from Imam Rauf that there will be many, many servants, “young youths,” residing in gardens where rivers flow. Pure poetry. But wait, what about women, Barbara probes, always the feminist. He smiles and says, “And why not?”

So I’m ready. Where do I sign? But only if you promise Richard Gere won’t be there.