September 21, 2006--Peeing Together

Richard Nixon forged his reputation by railing against Communism at home and abroad. There was no harder liner during the Cold War. In his debates with John Kennedy prior to the 1960 presidential election, he spoke out fiercely against the “Red Chinese” threat, the “Yellow Peril,” vowing to defend the tiny islands of Quemoy and Matsu if they moved to attack them. But then, a decade later, after he had been elected president, he made a surprise trip to Red China, met with the evil Mao Zedong, and made a series of deals with him that less than ten years later led to the exchange of ambassadors and the now “Peoples Republic of China” becoming one of our leading trading partners and principal underwriters of our national debt.

How did the unthinkable happen? It all began, was catalyzed, by a visit to China by an American ping pong team. After that seemingly innocuous event, step by step, the two countries which had been bitter enemies and had fought against each other in Korea, moved into a covert dialog that led to a normalization of relations and Nixon’s legendary visit, which was subsequently memorialized in an opera by John Adams, Nixon In China.

Also during the Nixon administration, we were at war with North Vietnam, another embodiment of evil. Nixon fought ferociously, authorizing the “illegal” CIA-led war in Laos and Cambodia, to intercept the Ho Chi Min Trail and to prevent those countries from becoming Communist as the dominos fell. While publicly refusing to talk with much less negotiate with the North Vietnamese, he had his Secretary of State, Henry Kissinger meet secretly in Paris with his North Vietnamese counterpart, Le Duc Tho. They made a deal to end the war and as a result both shared the Nobel Peace Prize in 1973.

Are there contemporary parallels? We find ourselves again contesting with evil doers, including Iran. Our current president, like Nixon, publicly refuses to have anything to do with them. He will not allow any sort of even covert diplomatic contact. (See attached NY Times article.) Though we can hope that Condi Rice is not just shopping for shoes during her visits to Paris. But in case she is just shopping, how about another scenario—one in which Bush does something equivalent to what Nixon did?

During this week’s UN meetings, Bush’s handlers went through a series of Kabuki moves to assure that he would not inadvertently wind up in the same room with Iran’s president—God forbid someone might snap a picture of the two of them together. What would voters in Kansas think if they saw that splashed across their TV screens? They even went so far as to be certain that they did not wind up in the mens room together!

I, on the other hand, saw that latter circumstance as an opportunity. What might have happened if they had found themselves peeing at side-by-side urinals? Of course this might have led to late night jokes about pissing contests or comments about mine being bigger than yours.

I can, though, imagine a dialog in which Bush begins by saying to President Ahmadinejad, “Got your letter the other day about getting together to talk. So here we are.”

“I’m glad it got to you. I had been told that you don’t read the newspapers and I thought your aides would never pass it along to you. After all, we are a part of ‘the axis of evil.’”

“Well, I’m not as isolated as you think. I try to appear that way. It’s a way of disarming my opponents. To make them think I’m dumb. Present company excluded of course.”

“Since we’re alone here,” President Ahmadinejad might say, “and there are no photographers around, let me ask you something—why is it OK for the Israelis to have the bomb but not Iran? Not that we’re building one of course.” At that he probably would wink at President Bush.

“It’s simple—because you would either give one to the terrorists to use against America or would launch one toward Israel. You do want to see them wiped off the map, don’t you?” Bush would likely turn to him when saying that, being careful not to look down to check him out.

“Don’t believe everything you read in the papers. Or everything I say for that matter. Like you, I make things up for local consumption.” He’d probably wink once more.

“OK, we’re alone, so why do you want to build one?”

‘Would you believe me if I said it’s for national pride? Again, I’m not saying that’s what we’re up to; but if we were, it would be for that reason. To show the Iranian people, as well as the rest of the world, that we too are a powerful nation. If we were to be so stupid as to actually use one we know, as the Russians did, that you would, how did you put it during the Cold War, ‘bomb us back to the Stone Age. And as you know, Iran, when it was Persia, came out of the Stone Age long before anyone else. So we don’t want to wind up back in that situation.”

“But how could we trust that that’s true? My CIA boys tell me, forgive me but we’re being frank here, that you’re a crazy person. And it’s not smart to trust crazy people.”

“I’m not the least bit offended. Nor should you be when many in my region of the world say the very same thing about you.” Maybe they would smile at each other.

I don’t know. This sounds awfully dangerous to me.”

“Again, Mr. President, or can I like Putin call you ‘George,’ in the spirit of being frank, what real choice do you have? Are you really going to bomb our nuclear facilities? Are you going to invade my country? Wouldn’t that make an even bigger mess than what’s happening in Iraq?” Maybe Bush would think about that for a moment.

Ahmadinejad might add, “I’m about done here,” he would begin to shake himself off and zip up, “but please remember one thing--we Persians are also the world’s foremost deal makers. I think we invented deal making right after we emerged from the Stone Age. So perhaps we should look for a way to make a deal. Maybe it’ll work; maybe it won’t. But what have we got to lose?”

Bush too by then would be all zipped up and might say, wouldn’t it be good if he would say, “All right. Have your guy call Condi. She’s gonna be in Paris next week to do some shopping.”