July 23, 2007--Shell Game

It seems that about every time the president is in political trouble about his war in Iraq three or four predictable things happen: the president goes on the road and in every speech mentions Al Qaeda at least 25 times to remind us of the (false) connection between Al Q in Iraq and 9/11; Office of Homeland Security Secretary Chernoff declares that we are in immediate danger of being attacked by terrorists (last week this threat was based on his “gut feeling”); President Bush arranges to have a colonoscopy and while he is under anesthesia we are informed that VP Cheney will be in charge (this to scare us even more than the threat of an impending terrorist attack); and the U.S. military announces that Al Qaeda’s “number two” in either Afghanistan or Iraq has been killed or captured (though we are never told how they seem to keep producing new number twos in such quantities or ferocity).

So it was not much of a surprise that a few days ago we learned that Abu Omar al-Baghdadi, Abu Ayyub al-Masari’s deputy in Iraq, had been killed. One problem—Abu-the-former, after being killed kept issuing incendiary statements about the U.S. crusaders and what Al Qaeda in Mesopotamia was going to do to us. This had our generals puzzled, perhaps even a little frustrated. One can only imagine them thinking—These suckers can’t even stay dead.

But this puzzle was solved last week—the U.S., with some embarrassment, had to admit that al-Baghdadi didn’t exist. I don’t mean that he was really dead and his pronouncements were prerecorded; rather that he never existed—he was made up, he was a fictitious character! A creation of, hold on, Masari’s. (See NY Times story linked below.)

One might legitimately wonder why he did this—just to torment us? To keep us running around in circles, wasting energy and resources? Actually, the truth appears to be much cleverer than that. Masari created Baghdadi as a way to overcome the suspicions and resulting local political problems he was having in Iraq among the Shiites, because he is Egyptian. Though they recognize the authenticity of his hatred for the U.S. occupiers, the cleverness of his strategic and tactical thinking, and his ideological purity, Iraqis are not in the habit of trusting Egyptians, especially in dominant roles. So Masari invented Baghdadi; placed him at the head of a non-existent organization, the Islamic State of Iraq; and, here’s where Masari displayed his brilliance, as an Egyptian swore allegiance to the Iraqi Baghdadi. And then as an act of true genius Masari got Osama bin Laden himself to publicly acknowledge and endorse Baghdadi.

He not only fooled his Iraqi compatriots but us as well—for more than a year. How are we supposed to contend with such an enemy? I say, fight fire with fire. If they are lying and creating fictional characters and realities, we should do the same. Let me give you some illustrations of what I’m thinking:

Let’s come up with a few whoppers to justify our involvement in Iraq. Here’s a good one--claim they have weapons of mass destruction and missiles that can reach Western Europe in 15 minutes. Have our National Security Advisor talk about mushroom clouds over London. I’ll bet that will get everyone riled up. You might even get the Senate to vote to go to war. It would be my guess that most Democrats would be fooled because none of them will bother to read the real intelligence documents. They’ll be too busy primping for their presidential bids.

Then, after deposing the Middle East’s latest Hitler, lacking an adequate plan to manage the occupation and bring democracy to the region, while things are unraveling, get the president to climb into a jump suit, have his jet land on the deck of an aircraft carrier, and declare, “Mission Accomplished.” That should work.

Finally, four and a half years later, when the National Intelligence Estimate reports that the real Al Qaeda is back to its pre-9/11 strength, simply ignore it and get everyone on TV to say “they’re on the run.” Who will disagree?

I know what you’re thinking—these illustrations of how we might make stuff up to further our cause are just too obviously untrue for anyone to believe. Perhaps you’re right. Maybe, if we want to get away with using Masari-like tactics we have to come up with better material.

Wait, I’ve got a good one—tell everyone that when they did the colonoscopy on the president the other day, though they didn't find much to be concerned about, they did find his head. I guarantee that 70 percent of the public would believe that one.