March 19, 2009--Freezing Your Pettuties . . .

I was planning to take the day off. I’m all typed out, what with all I’ve been writing about the economy and Tim Geithner and how Barack Obama needs to get all fired up if he wants to survive and ride the populist swell of anger and outrage that is sweeping the country over those unconscionable A.I.G. bonuses.

Yes, it’s true, as a sort of distraction, or straw in the cultural wind, I threw in a posting earlier in the week about the One Taste Urban Retreat Center where women who live there, every day at 7:00 AM, during what they euphemistically call “morning practice” are stroked to orgasm by a group of male volunteers.

I got a lot of, I hope, faux grief about it that day from folks at the Green Owl who have come to expect more from me. (Or at least that’s what they said to my face.) In defense of myself I said I was just trying to have some fun and it was, after all, reported in the New York Times, the paper of record. I didn’t make it up. I was just reflecting on the passing scene. Sometimes it isn’t pretty.

But back to today. As I said, I was planning a well-deserved day off when one of my Delray friends began to pepper me about a piece in the Times that Rona asked me to pass along to him. About hikers in the Alps in Switzerland who go trekking around, even in winter, wearing nothing but snowglasses and sunscreen.

“What do you have to say about that, big shot?” My friend is not always subtle, though I knew he was only having fun at my expense. “After that piece about those San Francisco gals I bet you’ll have a lot to say about those Swiss folks. This should be right down your proverbial alley.”

“But I’m tired. I’ve got a headache, what with all these credit default swaps to think about. And worrying about Tim Geithner’s job. I have nothing to say. I’m out of gas.”

“That’s my whole point. I’ve been feeling for a while that you’re beginning to run out of material. What ever happened to that fun Steve who used to write about gun shops and $4,000 pajamas? And what happened to those delightful Ladies of Forest Trace? I miss hearing about them. I hope they're all right. [They are]. With the exception of that attempt at being funny the other morning, it’s been all grimness from you. You’ve got to lighten up once in a while. That’s why I think that article Rona asked you to send me should perk you up, so to speak.”

I always pay attention to his advice, he’s smart and at heart a good guy, and so I took a closer look at the Swiss buff-hiker piece, thinking I might be able to make something of it.

I don’t know about you, but take a look at it--it’s linked below—since I may be missing something. In spite of the four-column-wide picture of a couple of guys wandering around on a glacier just in their Vasque boots (shot from the rear of course), there not much in the story to sink your teeth in, so to speak.

Again, I don’t know about you, but I’ve always found things Swiss to be boring—watches and cuckoo clocks and skiing and fondue and, well, numbered bank accounts—and the more I tried to find something in the story that might hint at a shift in the cultural landscape or something funny or titillating to write about, the more I read about the flap about nude hiking, because that’s what it’s turned into in Switzerland—a flap—which of course is half the point: how they managed to turn something this playful and ridiculous (it’s COLD out there in the Alps) into a serious matter, the more I pored over the article the less interesting it seemed.

Including what the Appenzeller Justice Minister said, the well-named Melchior Looser. About how he is confident he can come up with a statute that will make these transgressors cover up. If this were happening in America, I’d immediately want to get a special prosecutor appointed to see if Herr Looser’s been paid off by lobbyists from North Face or Gortex.

He, among others, is saying that Switzerland is not vast like Canada where wandering around in the wilderness without a stitch would be OK since how often would you bump into and offend another, clothed mountain climber? “Here,” in tiny Switzerland, Markus Dörig, a spokesman for the local government said, “you meet other hikers every few minutes. It’s very bothersome.”

But maybe that’s the point—meeting other hikers. I’m not sure the Swiss do eHarmony or JDate so what’s so wrong with trying to find love in the mountains in this way? By—how can I put this—showing off your assets. Seems very clever. Very Swiss.

I ran this by my Owl friend and he shot back, “Have you ever seen what cold weather does to your assets?”

To this I had no reply. And so, as I was intending, I’ll take today off and get back to blogging tomorrow.