March 31, 2009--John McCain's 70th Day
Driving home from Pilates, perhaps still hyperventilating, I had this waking nightmare—perhaps rather than yesterday marking Barack Obama’s 70th day in office, we had elected his opponent and it was John McCain’s 70th day as president.
In place of Obama announcing his administration’s plans for the tough-love restructuring of Chrysler and General Motors, McCain, with Treasury Secretary Phil (Enron) Gramm at his side, would have been explaining why it was the right thing months ago not to give them any bailout money and that in the spirit of the free market, though they no longer existed--and wasn’t it too bad for all those who owned their cars and worked in their assembly lines (again, that’s the way thing go with laissez faire capitalism)—he was confident that there was some young man (surely not woman) out somewhere in middle America tinkering in his garage—just like Henry Ford—working on the development of a new car that would run on water or carbon dioxide.
“We’ll show those Japs,” McCain would have been quoted as saying on Fox News later that night—Fox being the only surviving cable news network after CNN and MSNBC folded, unable to attract sponsors in the age of McCain.
Then later in the day, at a meeting at the Pentagon, with Secretary of Defense Lindsay Graham (the other Senator Graham) smiling and nodding at his side, President McCain would have been telling us that North Korea was planning to test fire a missile; and that if they did so, as Commander in Chief (an office neither his admiral father nor grandfather achieved) he would not only shoot it down but would also order our troops in South Korea to prepare to again cross the 38th parallel as they did back on October 9th 1950 during the first Korean War. This time, they’d get the job done.
“Too bad,” he would be heard to say later that night on the Sean Hannity show, “that Doug MacArthur is no longer around to lead the charge up to the Yalu River. This time around I’d let the old buzzard cross it and take on those Red Chinese. We can’t have them owning America and in return sending our kids all those poisoned toys. I know what I’m talking about, my friends. That’s straight talk.”
At about 4:30, after a meeting at Foggy Bottom with Secretary of State Joe Lieberman, back on the Straight Talk Express, which he would have insisted on using in place of the presidential limousine, to his usual coterie of adoring reporters, he’d fill them in on what he and his buddy Joe had been discussing.
“You know he just got back from his sixth trip to Israel in the last 70 days and he tells me that the Iranians are about to test fire their first nuclear bomb. A hydrogen bomb. And a real dirty one at that which will also will release biological agents. He swears to me that this is true. I know the Democrats were claiming that it would take them at least five years to make a regular atomic bomb, but Joe says, and he’s a Democrat, that they skipped that step and went right for the big one. Those A-rabs can be really sneaky.
“You know Joe, all he ever wants to talk about is Israel and the Jews. Why you know I even have trouble getting him to come to any meetings on Friday after the sun goes down. And I can never figure out what to feed him for dinner. So here’s what he wants me to do, this is off the record of course: turn Netanyahu loose and let him have the Israelis take out all those mullahs, that pipsqueak Abadinejad—never can pronounce his name—and while they’re at it bomb, bomb, bomb Iran. I’m just making a joke. I don’t mean bomb all of Iran, I mean only their nuclear reactors.”
Back at the White House, Vice President Sarah Palin would be waiting for him. Cooling her heals outside the Oval Office because after she got him elected he doesn’t seem to have any time for her. Always hanging out with Phil and Lindsay and Joe. She even called Cindy at her home in La Jolla to complain. Cindy, still enmeshed in the tax problems on her condo, didn’t have that much time to chat but told the Veep to be patient, wear a short skirt and something tight and then that “old navy tailhook flyboy,” to quote her, would notice her and give her something to do.
“I thought he’d at least let me run energy policy,” Palin whined, “You know, drill baby drill like we do up in Alaska, or at least put me in charge of all those faith-based programs. But if he won’t agree to do that, maybe he could assign someone on his staff to pray with me. Though not that you-know-what Lieberman. He gives me the creeps.”
“Me too,” Mrs. McCain would respond, “I told John he needs some new friends. You know, ones we can take to the country club.”
In place of Obama announcing his administration’s plans for the tough-love restructuring of Chrysler and General Motors, McCain, with Treasury Secretary Phil (Enron) Gramm at his side, would have been explaining why it was the right thing months ago not to give them any bailout money and that in the spirit of the free market, though they no longer existed--and wasn’t it too bad for all those who owned their cars and worked in their assembly lines (again, that’s the way thing go with laissez faire capitalism)—he was confident that there was some young man (surely not woman) out somewhere in middle America tinkering in his garage—just like Henry Ford—working on the development of a new car that would run on water or carbon dioxide.
“We’ll show those Japs,” McCain would have been quoted as saying on Fox News later that night—Fox being the only surviving cable news network after CNN and MSNBC folded, unable to attract sponsors in the age of McCain.
Then later in the day, at a meeting at the Pentagon, with Secretary of Defense Lindsay Graham (the other Senator Graham) smiling and nodding at his side, President McCain would have been telling us that North Korea was planning to test fire a missile; and that if they did so, as Commander in Chief (an office neither his admiral father nor grandfather achieved) he would not only shoot it down but would also order our troops in South Korea to prepare to again cross the 38th parallel as they did back on October 9th 1950 during the first Korean War. This time, they’d get the job done.
“Too bad,” he would be heard to say later that night on the Sean Hannity show, “that Doug MacArthur is no longer around to lead the charge up to the Yalu River. This time around I’d let the old buzzard cross it and take on those Red Chinese. We can’t have them owning America and in return sending our kids all those poisoned toys. I know what I’m talking about, my friends. That’s straight talk.”
At about 4:30, after a meeting at Foggy Bottom with Secretary of State Joe Lieberman, back on the Straight Talk Express, which he would have insisted on using in place of the presidential limousine, to his usual coterie of adoring reporters, he’d fill them in on what he and his buddy Joe had been discussing.
“You know he just got back from his sixth trip to Israel in the last 70 days and he tells me that the Iranians are about to test fire their first nuclear bomb. A hydrogen bomb. And a real dirty one at that which will also will release biological agents. He swears to me that this is true. I know the Democrats were claiming that it would take them at least five years to make a regular atomic bomb, but Joe says, and he’s a Democrat, that they skipped that step and went right for the big one. Those A-rabs can be really sneaky.
“You know Joe, all he ever wants to talk about is Israel and the Jews. Why you know I even have trouble getting him to come to any meetings on Friday after the sun goes down. And I can never figure out what to feed him for dinner. So here’s what he wants me to do, this is off the record of course: turn Netanyahu loose and let him have the Israelis take out all those mullahs, that pipsqueak Abadinejad—never can pronounce his name—and while they’re at it bomb, bomb, bomb Iran. I’m just making a joke. I don’t mean bomb all of Iran, I mean only their nuclear reactors.”
Back at the White House, Vice President Sarah Palin would be waiting for him. Cooling her heals outside the Oval Office because after she got him elected he doesn’t seem to have any time for her. Always hanging out with Phil and Lindsay and Joe. She even called Cindy at her home in La Jolla to complain. Cindy, still enmeshed in the tax problems on her condo, didn’t have that much time to chat but told the Veep to be patient, wear a short skirt and something tight and then that “old navy tailhook flyboy,” to quote her, would notice her and give her something to do.
“I thought he’d at least let me run energy policy,” Palin whined, “You know, drill baby drill like we do up in Alaska, or at least put me in charge of all those faith-based programs. But if he won’t agree to do that, maybe he could assign someone on his staff to pray with me. Though not that you-know-what Lieberman. He gives me the creeps.”
“Me too,” Mrs. McCain would respond, “I told John he needs some new friends. You know, ones we can take to the country club.”
posted by Steven Zwerling at
7:22 AM
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