April 14, 2015--Going Commando

We've come a long way from Mr. Wipple, the spokesperson for Charmin who admonished us not to squeeze.

Now Cottonelle is running a series of commercials to introduce a new line for those who go commando.

"Go commando?" I asked Rona. "Do you know what that is?"

"Of course I do. It's an old expression," she said.

"Well I'm old," I said, "but have no idea what it means."

Ignoring that, she said, "I haven't noticed the ad. Next time it's on let me know and I'll see if I can explain it to you."

Frustrated, I paid more attention to the commercials than reruns of Married With Children, still my favorite corrosive sitcom.

After about 45 minutes, the Cottonelle commercial ran again. "Check it out," I said. "I have no idea what's going on."

Rona narrated--

"You see the announcer holding a couple of rolls?"

"Yes."

"And how she gives them to those two young women?"

"Got it."

"And now they're going into a tent?"

"Yes. I can only assume what they're going to do in the tent."

"Now they're coming out."

"That was quick. It usually takes me much longer to . . ."

"It's only a commercial. Not Hamlet."

"They have big smiles on their faces."

"The announcer is asking them how they liked the new clean-ripple paper."

"They seem pretty happy to me. Now, pay attention. Check out what those two girls do next."

"They are pulling down the tops of their pants and pointing to their exposed upper thighs."

"That's the funky part. But, again, what I'm not understanding?"

"Didn't you hear the announcer, an attractive woman by the way? No Mr. Whipples this time."

"I think she has a British accent. Classy."

"Again, as you said, she's mentioning something about how this new product is for those going commando."

"Which means?"

"Look it up for yourself. I can't believe you never heard about it before."

"Well you know me." I trailed off and went downstairs to the computer so I could google going commando.

Here's what the every-reliable Wikipedia had to say--

Going commando, or free-balling for males and free-buffing for females, is the practice of not wearing underwear. Some people choose not to wear any underwear for several reasons, including comfort, to enable their outer garments (particularly those that are form-fitting) to look more flattering, to avoid creating a panty line, or because they do not see any need for them. Some people find not wearing underwear to be sexually exciting, and some people regard knowing their sex partner is not wearing underwear to be erotic.

Next I checked Cottonelle's website. Sure enough--

Only Cottonelle^® has CleanRipple^® texture to get you clean, giving you all the confidence you need to Go Commando.

When I reported this to Rona, including that going commando as an expression originated in the 1970s, she rolled her eyes as if to say, "You really are out of it."

Later that day, at the Fairway market in Red Hook, Brooklyn, we needed paper towels. While Rona searched, I checked out the Cottonelle. Sure enough, there was shelf full of CleanRipple.

"Looks like sandpaper," I muttered.

Rona said, "Get with it. Life is passing you by."

I promised to try.