July 5, 2013--Canadian Pharmacy

I have an Apple laptop. I bought it in part because it is supposed to have an excellent spam filter built right into it. I suppose it is effective as I get just a half dozen spam e-mails a day.

Almost all of them from the clearly tenacious Canadian Pharmacy.

I never open any of these much less order anything from them. I'm sure if I did, I'd subsequently be inundated by hundreds of e-mails from them.

At first I thought they were targeting me for their spam ads since they assumed, because of my age and thus potential need for drugs, knowing as we all do that prescription medications from Canada are much cheaper than in the U.S., that I would thus want to buy my Prilosec, Zocor, and Lisinopril from them.

They were wrong about that. Though I am getting on in years, I fortunately do not yet have to take any medications. Half an aspirin a day is about it for me. And they are inexpensive enough at my neighborhood CVS that I do not have to import them from Canada.

But the other day I got a flurry of a dozen spam messages from the Pharmacy, and in the spirit of investigative journalism, decided to open one so that I could report my findings. Yes, I know this means I will soon be drowning in unwanted messages, but I take being part of the Fourth Estate very seriously.

So, as carefully as I could, in order to avoid releasing viruses, I opened one of the e-mails and was immediately confronted by a blazing headline--

180 Pills (Viagra, Cialis) only 174$

Though I wondered about the placement of the dollar sign, thinking perhaps this is the way they indicate it's 174 Canadian Dollars, still, this felt pretty inexpensive to me. I haven't bought any Viagra in years, but recall when I did I needed a doctor's prescription and each pill cost about $10.

Since the Canadian Pharmacy claimed, 350,000 Satisfied Customers, continuing in the spirit of enquiry, I called the telephone number listed on the Website (one is required to place orders on the phone) to see what I could learn.

Yes, I was told, I did need a doctor's prescription but could get one from them. I was put on hold for a moment and then a "Dr. Mackenzie" got on the line.

I asked if he was related to Alexander Mackenzie, the legendary Canadian explorer, who in 1793 crossed Canada from east to west, fully ten years before Lewis and Clark set out.

Though the telephone "Dr. Mckenzie" had a decidedly South Asian accent, I decided to set aside my suspicions and press on.

"How old are you?" he asked.

I lied and said, "62."

"Do you have any heart problems?"

"Thankfully, no."

"Any difficulty breathing?"

"No."

"High blood pressure?"

"No."

"Chest pains?"

"None."

"Have you ever taken Viagra previously?"

"No," again I lied.

"How many pills do you want?" I didn't respond.

He asked, "180?"

"I thought maybe four or five."

"Hundred?"

"No, four or five pills. To try them."

Sounding annoyed, he said, "We only sell in multiples of 180. So, do you want 180 or 360? If you want 360, you have to call back and place a second order."

"Do I have to be 'examined' by another 'doctor'?"

"No by me."

"Will you still be 'Dr. Mackenzie,'" I knew I was heading in an unfriendly direction, "or when I call to place the second order will you then be 'Dr.Trudeau?'"

"I'm not sure I'm following you."

"Well, you sound to me like you're in Mumbai, not Toronto; and to tell the truth, I'm skeptical about this 'Canadian Pharmacy' business. How do I know you're legitimate and the pills you send me--by the way, how much is shipping and handling?"

"$19.95 for the 180."

"U.S. or Canadian?"

"American dollars. Credit card only."

 "And how do I know I won't be getting counterfeit pills that are made from blue-dyed sawdust?"

Ignoring me, he said, "I don't have all day, sir. There are a dozen patients on hold waiting for me to examine them. Do you want the pills or not?"

"I don't. And please do not send me any more spam."

Before I could finish the sentence he had hung up.