July 22, 2017--Europhiles

I know many progressives who are again saying they are giving serous thought to moving to Canada if Donald Trump is elected.

I say "again" because many of these same people said this when Nixon was elected and then when Ronald Reagan became president and even while contemplating a George W. Bush presidency.

But as far as I know, these friends remain comfortably in America though they are still grousing.

The grousing is not situational--it does not emerge only every four years like some locusts.

Not so between the lines, they disparage America no matter who is in office.

They see us as culturally, intellectually, and governmentally inferior not just to Canadians but, more pervasively, to Europeans.

These frankly anti-American liberals have such an elevated opinion of themselves that they turn to Europeans for special forms of friendship, appreciation, and emulation. They see the Brits and French and Germans, particularly, to be more nuanced in their thinking and how they conduct themselves in a globalizing world.

They like the books they read and the movies they make.

In sum--those who live in these countries are civilized; we are not.

If we were civilized, they wonder, how could Donald Trump be running nearly neck-and-neck with Hillary Clinton. The best explanation--most Americans know nothing about history, world affairs, or social policy. In fact, there is a longstanding, deep strain of anti-intellectdualism and paranoia pervasive in American culture. And above all else, these of my friends are horrified that perhaps 30-40 percent of the American population is fully anti-science and directed in their personal and political lives by their  religious beliefs.

Some of this is true and helps explain why many accomplished Americans look across the Atlantic for a more enlightened approach to life in the 21st century.

Yesterday I wrote satirically about socialist French President Francois Hollande and his capitalist $10,000-a-month hairstylist.

Today, I refer you to Great Britain's new Foreign Secretary, Boris Johnson, former mayor of London and principal proponent of England's exit from the European Union. He is the one, in case you missed this news of his appointment, with a version of Donald Trump's signature hairdo.

On Wednesday he held a joint press conference with Secretary of State John Kerry.

Previously, Johnson had said very disparaging things about President Obama and Hillary Clinton and so this was an awkward moment for Kerry, who somehow managed to maintain a stiff upper lip.

Johnson recently called Obama a "part Kenyan" with an "ancestral dislike of the British Empire." A few years ago, he compared Hillary Clinton to Lady MacBeth, writing that she's "got dyed blond hair and pouty lips, and a steely blue stare, like a sadistic nurse in a mental hospital."

He didn't say anything about how he knows so much about what nurses look like in mental institutions.

That's not all. Boris compared Vladimir Putin to Dobby the Horse Elf from Harry Potter, and, more outrageously and riotously, claimed that President Recep Tayyip Erdogan of Turkey had sex with a goat.

Again, we do not need to know how Foreign Secretary Johnson knows about that.

And then there is Germany, where the far-right . . .

So, I say to my Europhile friends, before emigrating to Canada or Western Europe, take a close look at what is really going on in your favorite country. By comparison, America might not look all that bad. Which, I suppose, is why no one I know has expatriated.

Boris Johnson

May 17, 2106--Midcoast: Climate Refugees

A day before heading out, a friend from Maine called to "alert" us to "big changes."

Immediately, this made me anxious. One thing I love about Maine is that it doesn't change very much.

"In what way?" I asked not really wanting to hear what he had to say.

"The weather."

Puzzled, I asked, "You mean black fly season?"

"That never changes. No, I mean the climate."

I really didn't want to talk with him about this. Not for a few days anyway until we are settled in and calmed down. Then I'll be better prepared for his continuing concerns about climate change. It's another one of things that never changes in Maine--his going on and on about the climate.

I know, I know. But time in Maine is supposed to be relatively carefree for us. But, I know.

In spite of myself, with an edge, I asked, "So what is it now?"

"You know about the big forest fires up in Alberta?"

"Sure. But what does that have to do with . . . ?"

"Everything. If you look at the globe. I mean a map of the world in global form, not the flat projections, you'll see that there's a sub-arctic belt of forests that goes all the way from northern Europe and Russia through Canada and then arcs over the northern-most part of Maine."

"And?"

"And that means that as things warm and dry all of these forests are in peril. They could ignite in a global conflagration."

"Now that's a happy picture."

"Have you noticed when you look on the Internet at the Intellicast website, the one I recommended you use when you're up here--I find it to be most accurate--that there have been a lot of weather alerts posted?"

"Yes, for windy conditions and some occasional coastal flooding warnings. When there's a nor'easter."

"There are the usual number of those but then this year for the first time in a long while there have been alerts about the danger of forest fires. When we have these it's more typically later in the summer, not after a winter of snowfall and melt."

"And this year it didn't snow that much. I noticed that."

"I'm not talking about changes in the weather but in the larger climate. That's what has me worried about what's going on in western Canada."

"I can see that." By then he had me fully engaged. Joining in, I said, "I recently read that if the global climate heats up by only four degrees there will be catastrophic consequences. Including, from the map I saw, to the coast of Maine. Hopefully I'll be long dead, but where our house is might become part of the flood plain. At the moment, though, we're right on the coast but because of water levels are not required to have flood insurance."

"At the moment. That says it all. And, I read," my friend continued, "that when this happens, there will be the first big wave of climate refugees. In the northern half of the Western Hemisphere, much of it to northern Canada where up to 100 million are anticipated. Now, the population of Canada is only 30 million."

"I read that too," I said.

"Which brings me back to Maine."

"Because?"

"Because we too should expect millions of refugees from the lower 48 states."

"Are you sensing that already?"

"Maybe a trickle. Young families from south of here who are relocating to farms just in from the coast. There was an article in the local paper about that. About who's moving here and for what reasons. Quite a few apparently for climate-change reasons."

"So what are you recommending?" I was finding this depressing and wanted to get back to packing up.

"Learn to grow beans, put in a few hundred gallons of water, get a gun, and make sure you have lots of ammo."

"That's it?"

"Well, you asked."

July 5, 2013--Canadian Pharmacy

I have an Apple laptop. I bought it in part because it is supposed to have an excellent spam filter built right into it. I suppose it is effective as I get just a half dozen spam e-mails a day.

Almost all of them from the clearly tenacious Canadian Pharmacy.

I never open any of these much less order anything from them. I'm sure if I did, I'd subsequently be inundated by hundreds of e-mails from them.

At first I thought they were targeting me for their spam ads since they assumed, because of my age and thus potential need for drugs, knowing as we all do that prescription medications from Canada are much cheaper than in the U.S., that I would thus want to buy my Prilosec, Zocor, and Lisinopril from them.

They were wrong about that. Though I am getting on in years, I fortunately do not yet have to take any medications. Half an aspirin a day is about it for me. And they are inexpensive enough at my neighborhood CVS that I do not have to import them from Canada.

But the other day I got a flurry of a dozen spam messages from the Pharmacy, and in the spirit of investigative journalism, decided to open one so that I could report my findings. Yes, I know this means I will soon be drowning in unwanted messages, but I take being part of the Fourth Estate very seriously.

So, as carefully as I could, in order to avoid releasing viruses, I opened one of the e-mails and was immediately confronted by a blazing headline--

180 Pills (Viagra, Cialis) only 174$

Though I wondered about the placement of the dollar sign, thinking perhaps this is the way they indicate it's 174 Canadian Dollars, still, this felt pretty inexpensive to me. I haven't bought any Viagra in years, but recall when I did I needed a doctor's prescription and each pill cost about $10.

Since the Canadian Pharmacy claimed, 350,000 Satisfied Customers, continuing in the spirit of enquiry, I called the telephone number listed on the Website (one is required to place orders on the phone) to see what I could learn.

Yes, I was told, I did need a doctor's prescription but could get one from them. I was put on hold for a moment and then a "Dr. Mackenzie" got on the line.

I asked if he was related to Alexander Mackenzie, the legendary Canadian explorer, who in 1793 crossed Canada from east to west, fully ten years before Lewis and Clark set out.

Though the telephone "Dr. Mckenzie" had a decidedly South Asian accent, I decided to set aside my suspicions and press on.

"How old are you?" he asked.

I lied and said, "62."

"Do you have any heart problems?"

"Thankfully, no."

"Any difficulty breathing?"

"No."

"High blood pressure?"

"No."

"Chest pains?"

"None."

"Have you ever taken Viagra previously?"

"No," again I lied.

"How many pills do you want?" I didn't respond.

He asked, "180?"

"I thought maybe four or five."

"Hundred?"

"No, four or five pills. To try them."

Sounding annoyed, he said, "We only sell in multiples of 180. So, do you want 180 or 360? If you want 360, you have to call back and place a second order."

"Do I have to be 'examined' by another 'doctor'?"

"No by me."

"Will you still be 'Dr. Mackenzie,'" I knew I was heading in an unfriendly direction, "or when I call to place the second order will you then be 'Dr.Trudeau?'"

"I'm not sure I'm following you."

"Well, you sound to me like you're in Mumbai, not Toronto; and to tell the truth, I'm skeptical about this 'Canadian Pharmacy' business. How do I know you're legitimate and the pills you send me--by the way, how much is shipping and handling?"

"$19.95 for the 180."

"U.S. or Canadian?"

"American dollars. Credit card only."

 "And how do I know I won't be getting counterfeit pills that are made from blue-dyed sawdust?"

Ignoring me, he said, "I don't have all day, sir. There are a dozen patients on hold waiting for me to examine them. Do you want the pills or not?"

"I don't. And please do not send me any more spam."

Before I could finish the sentence he had hung up.