May 20, 2020: Perchance to Dream

Rona said, "If you want to sleep through the night, don't talk about COVID-19 after 8:00."

I hadn't been sleeping well. That is not new.  It is not unusual for me to wake up with a jolt at 4:00 a.m. and though I try to get back to sleep frequently it is to no avail.

With ear buds, seeking distraction, on the radio, I listen to late night talk shows but for the most part they rant about the pandemic and how it was caused by a conspiracy that somehow involves Barack Obama and Bill Gates with one or the other of them also the Antichrist. 

Some distraction!

Rona said, "The other night one of your ear buds popped out and I could hear what you were listening to--a doctor of some sort who was talking about doing radiosurgery on someone's prostate."

I remembered that. Dr. Lederman. He's on the radio frequently during the middle of the night.

"With that blasting in your ears it's a wonder you can sleep at all."

I knew she was right, but I've been doing this for decades and am addicted to middle-of-the-night radio. Sometimes there's a baseball game to listen to, but not this year.

"I know that . . ."

"You need to try to stop this. With everything going on in the world, you don't need more aggravation. You're making yourself crazy and soon you'll be making yourself sick."

"I know . . ." 

"One thing you can do immediately is stop talking about COVID after 8:00. Maybe that would help. You're already taking Zoloft and I'm not comfortable adding a sleeping pill to the mix of your meds." I shrugged, beginning to feel hopeless. 

Rona said, "It's nearly eight o'clock now so why don't we start tonight? I won't let you draw me into a discussion about Trump and the pandemic. That also should help you sleep through the night."

I agreed and less than an hour later we went upstairs to watch some mindless TV before letting ourselves fall asleep. 

That night I woke up for good at 3 a.m., a little better than my usual, but still I knew it would lead to an agitated day.

The next night over dinner, we talked about Rona's city garden, not a word passed between us about the virus. And thus I expected to have some uninterrupted sleep. 

That was not to be.

Though I fell asleep a little past midnight, and that should have launched me into at least a decent night's sleep, by four I was wide awake, waiting for "Morning Joe" to go on the air. I was slipping backwards and losing my motivation to keep experimenting.

The next night, breaking all the rules that just a few days had me feeling optimistic, at about 9:30, as if out of the blue, I asked Rona to summarize for me the two types of tests they give people who they suspect might have COVID.

"The first one is the swab test," Rona said. "It can tell if you actively have the virus, the other one is a blood test and it . . ."

She broke off and punched the mattress. "I can't believe this. After talking about this an hour ago and agreeing we would not allow ourselves to talk about the virus after 8:00, here I am," she smacked the bed again, "here I am doing just that. Talking about it. You've turned me into your enabler. I'm sure Dr. Lederman and his prostate machine are waiting for you."

Rona was right in everything she felt and said.

Weakly I said, "But everything you've been saying about it tonight has been very interesting. I learned a lot. And . . . "

"I give up." Rona said, and with that she turned out her light and rolled onto her side, facing away from me.

At 7:30 am we got out of bed and hugged each other. I tried to apologize. 

Rona said, "Forget about it. I know you're struggling with this."

"I am. I really am. I don't want to be this way. Please, one more time, forgive me. I am trying. I really am."

I knew Rona had heard all this before.

"But one crazy thing," I said with a smile.

"What's that?"

"Like last night when out of nowhere I asked you about the tests, well past eight o'clock, and you began to respond, I assumed I would be lucky to sleep at all. My head would be filled with COVID anxieties. But, maybe I'm going about this the wrong way. Amazingly, I slept very well. No antichrist. No conspiracies. Just beautiful sleep."

"And what are you taking from that?"

"Maybe a little medical talk is not a bad but a good thing?"

"I think I've heard this one previously," Rona said. "But let's give it a try. We don't have much to lose."

And we have for the past few days. And, in spite of myself and my sleep history, I'm feeling optimistic. I'm sleeping quite well.