November 4, 2005--Fanaticisms VII--But How Do The Women Get to Heaven??

I’m the first to admit that I am not much of an authority on the Church of the Latter Day Saints. But I do admit to a fascination with Mormon history, doctrine, and practices. Especially practices. Those of you who have been following this blog would not be surprised to know that I am most fascinated by their practice of polygamy. Yes, it still exists among Mormon Fundamentalists in isolated communities far from Temple Square in Salt Lake City. In places such as the twin towns that straddle the Utah/Arizona border--Colorado City, Arizona and Hilldale, Utah.

The NY Times recently issued a dispatch (see link below) from that Godforsaken strip of barren high desert. (Barren, as you will see, should not to be applied to the women of those communities.)

Arizona authorities recently again began to attempt to bring these communities under 21st century law (actually, under 19th century law) that forbids polygamy. They have tried this in the past but have been run out of town repeatedly by the residents and local Church leaders who exercise total, and I mean total, control over the lives of the more than 8,000 people who live in the twin towns.

They claim that they are the true followers of Joseph Smith who founded Mormonism 175 years ago. While Mormon leaders such as Brigham Young and his successors officially abandoned polygamy as part of a deal with the federal government, as the price of statehood, polygamy continued to thrive. They abandoned polygamy in law; but in practice it was secretly and not so secretly a central part of Mormon life for decades, including up to the present. But now more on the margins in places such as Colorado City and Hilldale.

There is an additional dark side to the situation. The story about that dark side has been leaking out as a few, who literally escaped from these towns, have been taking the considerable risk to tell about life under the leadership (read “absolute leadership” to quote the Times piece) of one Warren Jeffs, a 45 year old who in spite of being one of the country’s most wanted, having been indicted on multiple sexual abuse charges, continues to allude that version of the law that exists out there.

Among his other duties, maximum leader Jeffs bears the heavy burden of removing women from their husbands so they can be assigned to other men and orders girls under 18 to become brides of much older men, on a day’s notice!

Jeffs himself has been quiet active in assigning women and girls to himself—it is reported that he has about 70 (yes, no typo, seventy) wives and hundreds of children.

He teaches that a man cannot go to heaven unless he has at least three wives. And because there are obviously not enough women to supply each man with at least three wives, he needs to move them around, constantly reassigning them so the fellows can acquire all the wives they need to get into heaven.

The feminist in me is obviously outraged for all the obvious reasons. The theologian in me is worried about how the women are going to get to heaven. How does it work for them?

But then, on further thought, here’s what I think—while on earth (albeit stuck in Colorado City), the boys get to do a lot of fooling around. And when they arrive in heaven, since there are no women there, they get to hang out with the guys, drink beer, smoke cigars, spit, and scratch themselves. In other words, get down to doing all the things that men really want to do if the women would only leave them alone.