September 20, 2019--Dancing With Spicy

I assume you do not watch Dancing With the Stars. On the other hand don't make that assumption about me. In fact, I rarely miss an episode. 

I do not watch a lot of network TV. Actually, basically none. But there I am every Monday night during DWTS season keeping an eye on the time so as not to miss even a minute of silliness. That silliness provides a couple of hours of distraction from Trump stuff and the intensifying twinges of aging.

Since you likely do not tune in, here's how DWTS works:

The program each season starts out with about a dozen "stars." Stars in quotes as almost all are either has-beens seeking a final turn in the spotlight or never in their day stars of the first magnitude. DWTS stars include Bachelorette contestants, gimpy retired football players, and the like.

They are teamed up with professional dancers who during the week leading up to Mondays teach their star partners enough of a semblance of dancing to get through 90-second routines. Remarkably, some of those the judges and at-home audience vote to continue get to be pretty good. Which, when I think about my own clumsy moves on the dance floor, is amazing. 

The initial group typically includes at least one star who has no physical aptitude whatsoever. They are there for comic relief and over the seasons have included Cloris Leachman, Mr. T, Governor Rick Perry, and Geraldo. As such, they tend to receive low scores and are typically voted off during the first few weeks.

This season filling the clown role is Trump's first press secretary, Sean Spicer. A perfect choice on multiple levels. He can't dance at all and he didn't need to stretch very far to come off as a joke. He had plenty of time to perfect that role during his daily White House press briefings. And in case anyone missed the point that he was also a malevolent presidential apologist, Melissa McCarthy on Saturday Night Live got it right when she imitated him, including using a motorized podium to mow down the gathered press corps.

Best of all, Spicer didn't realize he was there for comic relief. He thought it was because he's a cool person, which makes his assignment to the clown role even funnier. The joke, it turns out is on him.

Monday, Spicer, dressed in a neon green Desi-Arnaz-style Babaloo shirt, danced a version of a salsa. It was so awful that he received the second lowest scores, one point higher than ex-NBA basketball player and Kardashian husband, Lamar Odom. Also there for comic relief, no longer, I assume, living in a Ls Vegas brothel.

Trumpian that he still is, Spicy sensed that the Deep State and satanic forces were responsible for his low scores. He especially blamed the judges in his after-the-show Twitter posting. He tweeted--

“Clearly those judges are not going to be with me. Let’s send a message to #Hollywood that those of us who stand for #Christ won’t be discounted.”

And here I thought his appearance was for comic relief. I didn't realize it was about the Second Coming.

August 30, 2016--Let's Vote Already

Jack said, "I'm not talking about early voting," though in some states, more than two months before Election Day, early voting is underway, "I'm saying let's move Election Day to Friday. This Friday. Three days from now. I'm sure everyone has made up their mind who to vote for. Let's put all of us out of our misery."

"It's true, "Rona said, "This election is making me miserable. But doesn't the Constitution say . . . ?"

"I know what it says. But what it doesn't say, and should say, is that when you have two candidates, one worse than the other, Election Day gets moved to September 1st."

"I agree," I said. "That way too we could enjoy the return of Dancing With the Stars without having to have it preempted by the debates or feel pressure to watch them. Can you imagine what the first debate this time is going to be like? A train wreck."

"That at least should be good for a few laughs or groans," Jack said. "But seriously, will anything happen between now and November 8th that will cause anyone to change who they plan to vote for?"

"Maybe if North Korea fires a nuke at Japan or . . ."

"If Hillary is indicted or . . ."

"Or if Trump actually shoots someone on Fifth Avenue."

"Even if any of those things happened I don't think it would change anything. Both the Hillary and Trump people are locked in," Jack said, "And are suffering from overexposure to the point that when we get to Election Day half the people will be hoping that Ralph Nader was in the race."

"Or Al Gore or . . ."

"Or Sarah Palin or . . ."

"Herman Cain."

"I love Herman Cain," I said, "He was so funny. 'Nine-nine-nine.' Remember that?"

"At least the primaries were amusing,"Jack said. "especially on the Republican side. Though Bernie also made things interesting."

"I drive around town here and I don't think it's an exaggeration to say there are no lawn signs for anyone. Four years ago there were tons for Obama and Romney."

"And almost no bumper stickers," Rona said. "What do you think's going on?"

"It turns out that they're both terrible candidates with absolutely no sense of humor. Even when they make gaffs they're not amusing ones. In Trump's case, giving him the benefit of the doubt that the stupid things he says are gaffs, all of them are more disgusting than either interesting or unintentionally satirical."

"And in Hillary's case when she says something careless or gets caught in not telling the truth--I'm being nice--she always responds by whining as if she's being wronged by the right-wing conspiracy. Neither of them is ever seen to be smiling about anything. I haven't been watching, but I can only imagine that Saturday Night Live, which the past three or four elections only had to quote candidates verbatim to crack everyone up--Sarah Palin case in point--must be struggling for material."

"So what happened?" Rona asked. "This should be a fascinating, historic campaign. What with the wife of a president and the first woman running against a true non-politican, both with the potential to interest the electorate, are turning out to be as about as boring and insubstantial as it gets."

"Hillary does talk about policy," I said.

"But in an excruciatingly uninteresting way," Jack said, "I think she knows she has a big lead and is playing it safe. Saying as little as possible, none of it unscripted or in press conferences, so she can run out the clock, avoid mistakes, and stumble to victory."

"And Trump, no matter what you think of him, was an amusing and unpredictable primary candidate. By now he's turned into a bore. Like a TV reality show that is out of gas and about to be cancelled."

"His show ends November 8th. But, as I said, I wish it could happen Friday."

"At least it looks as if Derek Hough is returning to Dancing, I said, "That'll help get us through September and October."

May 19, 2016--Donald & Megyn: Reunited at Last

I'll admit it. I'm a fan of junk TV. Anything from Married With Children to Good Wife to Dancing With the Stars. That's why I have to ration my viewing.

So it should be no surprise that I looked in on the new Megyn Kelly show, I think eponymously titled, Megyn Kelly Presents.

And what did she present on her inaugural special? A no-brainer--Donald Trump.

After nine months of long-distance spatting, they were together again. She with her new Valkyrie power-hair right out of Game of Thrones. He with perhaps a slightly toned down Trump-do. She with her agenda--to expose his soft (appealing to women) side. He with his agenda--to expose his soft (appealing to women) side.

So of course the entire interview was about what happened during the first GOP debate and its lingering aftermath when she nailed him so devastatingly as a misogynist.

"Do you look back at that debate with any regrets?" she in effect asked, "Anything you learned or would change?"

He admitted that he would change a few things but refused to disclose any. So much for soft side.

They went back and forth about that. Kelly in the Barbara Walters' mode, hoping for a pop shot--in this case the beginning of a tear.

I thought, if one runs down his cheek during a closeup he will win in November.

Not to worry, he'll be back with her frequently now. It should assure a blip up in his poll numbers when it comes to female voters and help her leap ahead of Bill O'Reilly in the Fox News internecine ratings war.

They are truly made for each other. Perhaps a better way to put this is that they are made by each other.

Before his outrageous "blood coming out of her wherever" comment, Trump, pundits thought, was just along for the ride in the Republican clown car to burnish his brand and she was a middling host of a relatively low-rated Fox talk-show.

After the debate his numbers started to rise and she saw her ratings soar and was offered a $5.0 million advance for a memoir.

This as the result of the two of them together conspiring to create a reality show of their own to star in and from which to derive mutual benefit. For him, votes; for her fame and fortune.

Use-use.

At some point the other evening, during the interview, they got off on a different subject--I forget just what. Maybe something boring having to do with economic policy.

Ever-alert, not wanting to distract from the real subject at hand, Megyn interrupted and all excited said, "Enough about that. Let's talk about us."

Perfect.