August 20, 2018--George Lindberg's Nightmare: The Donald J. Trump Presidential Library

I received this email from my good friend George Lindberg--

Dear Steven

When you get in a slump because of insomnia, remember you at least have control of how you spend your awake time.  You can change the channel or shut it off at whim.  I on the other hand have no trouble falling asleep or staying asleep.  My problem is what happens while I am asleep.  

The other day you and Rona set some wheels in motion.  It all started the evening following your musings about the numerous presidential libraries you two have visited.  I have never been to any so I can only wonder what would be on display.

As I drifted into slumberland, I made the mistake of wondering what the Donald J. Trump Presidential Library would be like.  Steven, I can’t shut him off . . .

The dream always starts the same way.  I'm driving down I-95, heading toward Queens, the birthplace of Donald, where from a sign I notice that the name of the Throgs Neck Bridge has been changed to the Thongs Neck Bridge. When I get to Jamaica Estates, his boyhood home, I find myself at the new Donald J. Trump Presidential Library. Built on an old swamp that wasn't drained but filled in.

There was some talk of locating it on the campus of Trump University, but no one could locate it and the Wharton School people said, “No way."

In keeping with Trump tradition, the library has been set in a hot-sheet motel. In my dream it is always a pay by the hour place.  I park in a new seven story parking garage.  Funny thing is mine is the only car there.  A welcome sign tells me the place was built on land that was cleared after evicting 5,000 immigrants. 

As I enter I am required to show proof of citizenship.  Lucky for me (it’s a dream remember) I have my birth certificate with me.  Stepping in the foyer a holograph of Ivanka appears, suggesting I genuflect as I pass the life size (both height and width) portrait of The Donald.   “But,” she says, “By no means should you take a knee.”

Behind me is a gentleman who is apparently of foreign decent.  When he apologetically states he has no identification, Poof, the holograph disappears and the booming voice of Donald descends from the heavens, proclaiming --“OUT, OUT, GET THE S.O.B. OUT.  YOU'RE FIRED.”

I had to move on as I was being charged by the hour.

My recollection is that all the walls were painted a brilliant lily white.  Ivanka is back suggesting I follow the main corridor and at the end not to miss what's at the far right. She also urges me to look around in the High Tariff gift shop and purchase an official DJT gift with the presidential seal made by our good friends in China. She adds, “Please be sure to buy something in the apparel closeout section."

As I walk down the main corridor a screeching sound is heard and a golf cart comes careening around the corner from the alt-right.  It has been customized to look like the original clown car from the 2016 campaign.  At the wheel is Steve Bannon.  Except his hair is combed and bleached blond.  He says, “Get in.  I’ll show you around."    

Room after room passes by but I’m able to read the name plates on each door.

There is the Insults room, with dozens of printed tweets posted on the walls. The first one I see is about Rosie O'Donnell.

The Fake News room has an old teletype machine clacking away.  Lots of stuff is coming in from Fox News.

The Immigration room. On quick glance there are several pictures of families being reunited.  Including dates showing reunions occurring some five years after separation.

The Military Parade room has photos of veterans groups taking a knee.  I notice as a veteran I was in one of the pictures.  Head bowed, fist in the air.

There is the crowded Wives room.

The Promises Made room includes an audio introduction by Jon Luvitz.

The Apprentice room has Meatloaf songs piped in.

In the Law Suits room where there is a life-sized portrait of Roy Cohn.

The Miss Universe room has a for sale sign on the door.

A Space Force room includes mock ups of the first space warriors Trump wants to send to the moon.

There is a wax museum of many of the most prominent players from Trump World --Giuliani, Sessions, Bannon, Kellyanne, Hope Hicks, Anthony Scaramucci, and many more.

Right next to it is the Robert Mueller room and next door to that the Pardon room.

There is the Ladies room with wax likenesses of Stormy Daniels, Karen McDougal, a couple of Russian working girls, and even Rosie and Megyn.

The Putin room contains memorabilia from all their good times together.  With a newly-released video. I need to get back there to watch it.

I pass the Rocket Man room.

Steven, in my dream I asked Steve Bannon to show me the basement, but he said it was closed.  Something having to do with the base crumbling.

When we get to the end of the first floor hall, I see broom closets that are devoted to black people.  One is for NFL and NBA players, including LeBron James, and another for Maxie Waters and someone named Omarosa.  That name is crossed off and "Low Life Dog" is spray painted in its place.

Bannon tells me there is a wall half built around the library but contractors walked off the job when the residents in Queens refused to pay for it.

There are several floors just like this but the sun is coming up and so I rush to get out.

Sitting out front in a lawn chair I see former CIA director, John Brennan.  He told me they won’t let him in without a security clearance.

Driving home I can hear Tom Bodett saying, "Come back soon. We’ll leave the light on for ya”.

The road is smooth yet my car is rocking and bouncing.

A voice in my head says, "George, George wake up you’re having that nightmare again."

                                            *   *   *

I wrote back--"Somehow having 'library' and 'Donald Trump' in the same sentence is an oxymoron."

George said, "This is supposed to make me feel better?"

Site of the Donald J. Trump Presidential Library

August 17, 2018--A Pocket Full of Distractions

I finally figured out why Trump doesn't button his suit jackets. Until now I thought it was a vain attempt to hide his William Howard Taft-like girth. 

Now I realize it was for another, to him more urgent reason--to give him quick access to the list of distractions he has secreted away in his inner jacket pocket so it is always ready at hand for him to refer to in order to change the subject when he does something wrong or makes a fool of himself. To distract us and the media. 

To change the subject, for example, from Omarosa and the N-word tapes to cancelling former C.I.A. director John Brennan's security clearance. 

Trump has this list nearby in the same way he has the nuclear codes at the ready. Those are schlepped along wherever he goes by a military aide in the so-called "football." 

The list of distractions, to him much more important, Trump carries himself. Close to the heart.

I was able to sneak a look at the list the other day, and for the sake of checks and balances and the historical record I here for the first time reveal what's on it.

He has the distractions categorized--so, for example, there are distractions in waiting about immigrants. They include--

Point out serious felonies perpetrated by illegal immigrants to remind your supporters they are murders and rapists.

Announce all children separated from their parents at the border have been reunited.

Claim Chuck Schumer and Nancy Pelosi support amnesty.  

Mention Nancy Pelosi along with "no-collusion" at every opportunity or whenever her name comes to mind.

Under the distraction category Women--

Mention Maxine Waters every time you appear in public. Remind people that she supports Nancy Pelosi and this is evidence of her low IQ.

Talk about how smart you are: where you went to college, your IQ, how much money you are worth. About that, triple what your personal accountant itemized on your most recent 1040 form. (Don't worry about the tax implications)

Invite Laura Ingraham, Janine Piro, and Megyn Kelly to the White House for, like Obama, lunch on the lawn. (Don't mention Obama)

On August 26th, National Dog Day, announce you've changed your mind about Hillary Clinton. (Your supporters will stop chanting "Lock her up" every time you mention her name. Instead, they will bark)

Announce that you and Melania will be adopting a shelter dog. (You're the first president since FDR not to have one)

African-American distractions include--

Talk about black people who are some of your best friends: Don King, Mike Tyson, Dennis Rodman. Invite them to lunch on the White House lawn. (Consider inviting Obama, who is a black African)

Invite Miss Universe Pageant winner Paulina Vega to lunch on the White House lawn. (She may be from Colombia but she is still black)

Call Nancy Pelosi a low-IQ dog to demonstrate you are not a racist.

There are many media distractions. Here's just one that touches a few bases--

Announce you're going on Don Lemon's show to talk about your black friends. (He's black)

It's on CNN. (This shows the intrepid side of you--your willingness to venture into enemy territory. It's not the same as visiting Afghanistan, but we all know that's the last place in the world you'll be visiting.)

And with Lemon you get a three-fer: His blackness, CNNness, and his gayness. (He's out of the closet)

Then there are North Korea distractions--

Reprieve "Little Rocket Man." (To flatter him consider "Big Rocket Man")

Shoot down a North Korean jet off the coast of South Korea.

Bomb Syria

Bomb Tehran.

Bomb Venezuela.

Bomb Pyongyang.

Nuke Pyongyang.

Bomb San Fransisco (Nancy Pelosi's district).

Finally, there are the firings distractions--

Fire chief of staff Kelly.

Fire Jeff Sessions. (The attorney general)

Fire Stephen Miller. (Your senior advisor)

Fire Kellyanne Conway. (Counselor to the president--you)

Fire Sarah Huckabee Sanders. (Your press secretary)

Fire Mike Pence. (Forget that you can't do that. Fire him anyway)

Fire Sean Spicer. (Ignore that you already did that)

Fire Michael Flynn (Ditto. Fire him again)

Fire Steve Bannon. (Ditto)

Fire Paul Manafort. (Ditto)

Fire Anthony Scaramucci. (Ditto)

Fire Omarosa. (Ditto)

Fire Jared. (Your son-in-law)

Fire Ivanka. (Your daughter)

Fire Melania. (Your wife)

Fire Barron. (The youngest of you 3 or 4 sons)

Fire Nancy Pelosi. (Soon again to be Speaker of the House)

March 22, 2018--BREAKING NEWS!!!

Rona is making predictions again. This time about Stormy Daniels.

Not about what she will reveal Sunday evening on 60 Minutes. Not about the headlines she will inspire, even if she brings along a picture or two of a certain gentleman caller in flagrante delicto. 

But rather her prediction is about the headlines that gentleman caller will inspire.

Headlines Monday morning of the most shocking kind that, in a banner, will span all six columns at the top of the front page of the New York Times and every other paper in the United States and western world and will lead to 24/7-days of Breaking News on the three cable news channels.

TRUMP FIRES SPECIAL COUNSEL ROBERT MUELLER!!!

In the case of the New York Post, over a photo of Trump, pointing at the camera, in his Apprentice pose--

YOU'RE FIRED!!!

"Expect that to occur," Rona says, "Sunday afternoon to allow editors to get their stories written and typeset. To scoop Stormy. She'll be relegated to page 14, below the fold, and will be mired there for as long as it takes for this Sunday massacre to play out. Probably for the whole week after Republican members of Congress emerge from their bunkers and join Democrats in expressing upset about the 'constitutional crisis,' which, by the way, you can explain to me when you have a moment,"

When I overcome my shock, I ask, "Explain what?"

"'Constitutional crisis.' I have no idea what that means."

"It means," I stammer, "It means . . .  you know I really don't know. Maybe until they get the impeachment process going?"

"Dream on," Rona says, "You really think Republicans in Paul Ryan's House are going to impeach Trump? Enrage his base? They'd all get tossed out of office in November."

"Dream on," I cynically say.

"Maybe the crisis will result from what gets unearthed by various congressional committees."

"Dream on," I say. 

"You're right. There will be no committee investigations with the GOP in the majority."

"Correct. The Dems can jump up and down and scream about the need to get to the bottom of things but unless Ryan and Mitch McConnell allow it to happen there will be no meaningful investigations. The way Congress works the leaders and committee chairman totally control the agenda, including not allowing members of the minority, Democrats, to even call witnesses. It's almost as totalitarian as the Russian or Chinese legislatures. We've seen those in action. Members behave like zombies."

"This is very scary stuff. Is it the beginning of the end of our democracy? What if nothing can be done about this?"

"I have a crazy idea," I say, "Organize a Guerilla Congress."

"You're making light of this? We're in a crisis and you're cracking jokes?"

"I'm totally scared by what you said about Trump firing Mueller this weekend. I'm trying to keep myself from going crazy because what you are predicting sounds more than plausible to me. Look at the new lawyers he's hiring. That Joe diGenova is a killer."

"So what's your idea about Congress?"

"Since the Democrats have no power whatsoever, while waiting for the midterm elections in November, they should rent a big conference room in a Washington DC hotel and hold a Rump or Guerrilla Congress there. Do their  own investigations, try to get witnesses to show up, take testimony, issue findings. All of it unofficial, of course, but if they invite people carefully they could get quite a few to come before them. For example, by mid April, former CIA director Jim Comey will be on the talkshow circuit to publicize his new book and I suspect would appear before the Guerrilla Congress. As would another former head of the CIA, John Brennan, who went off yesterday on Morning Joe when he implied that the Russians may have personal dirt on Trump."

"Not a bad idea," Rona said, "I'll bet MSNBC and CNN would give it some coverage. It would break the mold and in its own way be entertaining. Which is sadly required by the news these days."

"There was a Rump Parliament in England in the middle of the 17th century. I think it has something to do with Charles I."

"Yours may be a crazy idea," Rona says, ignoring my historical example, "but we'll have to come up with things of this kind to keep Trump's and his sycophants' feet to the fire."

"Back to your prediction."

"You know I don't make them often, but about this one . . ."

"Please, for the sake of my sanity, don't finish the thought."

Rump Parliament